Navigating Difficult Conversations: The Five Dynamics of ADHD Communication

ADHD communication often feels like listening to everything, everywhere, all at once.

If you have ADHD—or love someone who does—you’ll probably relate to this scene: you’re trying to have a meaningful conversation while walking through the park. A cold wind hits your face, and you think for a moment that you should’ve brought your jacket. There’s an itch at the bottom of your foot that won’t go away. A dog barks as it barrels toward its owner. Kids are laughing and shouting in a game of tag while music from a nearby basketball court competes for attention. You finally find a bench, only to realize it’s next to a gazebo where a birthday party is in full swing.

That swirl of sounds, sensations, and distractions captures what it’s like to process conversation through an ADHD mind. It’s not about not paying attention—it’s about paying attention to everything. And that’s why ADHD communication requires a thoughtful, compassionate approach that honors sensory experience, emotion, and relational connection.

In this week’s article, Matt Johnson — Clarity Coach and Associate Marriage & Family Therapist (142969) — shares how this kind of mental noise can turn even simple conversations into emotional minefields. Yet with awareness and practice, it’s possible to bring more calm and clarity into the way we communicate.

This framework draws on insights from my clinical work, lived experience, and professional training with Spencer Chernick, LMFT, who first introduced me to the Five Dynamics of ADHD Communication—a model that highlights the core mechanics at play during conversations with neurodivergent individuals. Building on that foundation, I use the Five Dynamics of ADHD Communication as a practical tool to help clients and couples transform distressing communication patterns into awareness, empathy, and intentional connection.

The Five Dynamics of ADHD Communication

To make this framework real and actionable, the five dynamics are:

Frequency — how often the conflict or topic comes up

Duration — how long the conversation lasts in one sitting

Style — how the message is delivered

Intensity — the emotional energy or charge behind the conversation

Circumstance — when and where the conversation happens, and what else is happening

Each of these dynamics shows up in everyday conversations, sometimes without us even realizing it. The first one, Frequency, explains why certain topics or conflicts start to feel like déjà vu.

Frequency: The Cost of Repetition in ADHD Communication

Frequency refers to how often a conflict or request is raised. For someone with ADHD, repeated discussions about the same issue can quickly create anticipatory stress. When a topic comes up again and again, the ADHD mind often starts expecting criticism or rejection before it even happens. That mental energy gets spent trying to predict or prevent a reaction rather than staying present to listen and collaborate.

Repetition can also stir deeper feelings of shame or guilt—especially for someone already battling self-criticism or emotional flooding. Those emotions drain valuable mental bandwidth, making it harder to engage openly even when intentions are good.

When you notice the same issue resurfacing, shift toward acceptance and collaboration. Move from “me vs. you” to “us vs. the challenge.” Chances are, your coworker, partner, or child also dislikes the situation but finds it hard to change. Neither of you can “fix” ADHD, but you can learn to navigate its challenges together.

Accepting ADHD as part of the equation and collaborating on strategies to manage its impact reduces stress and strengthens empathy—both of which can lessen the intensity of ADHD’s more challenging symptoms. And it’s worth noting: we call them challenging symptoms because ADHD itself can be a genuine superpower. We’ll explore that more in an upcoming post, so be sure to follow along on social media (FB, IG, YT and PIN) for weekly resources and reflections.

If Frequency is about how often we talk about something, Duration is about how long we stay in it—and for ADHD minds, focus and energy can shift faster than most people realize.

Duration: How Long Conversations Should Last

Duration matters a lot for ADHD communication. Long, drawn-out discussions can feel overwhelming and impossible to follow. Focus drifts, details blur, and frustration builds quickly. On the other hand, conversations that end too soon leave things unresolved and increase anxiety that the issue will resurface.

Find a middle path. Break difficult conversations into shorter, structured segments. Try agreeing on a 20-minute window, then schedule a follow-up if needed. Short, focused conversations help keep things manageable and build trust over time. Use a timer or a gentle cue to pause, regulate, and come back. This approach prevents emotional flooding and helps both people feel seen, heard, and understood.

Once pacing feels more manageable, the next piece to consider is how we communicate. That brings us to the third dynamic: Style.

Style: The Language and Manner of ADHD Communication

Style is about tone, pacing, and word choice. ADHD communication thrives on curiosity, gentleness, and patience. Fast pacing, demanding or sarcastic tones, or overly complex language can overwhelm focus and trigger defensiveness.

Keep it simple. As Spencer Chernick, LMFT, explains with humor, sometimes it helps to “talk like a caveman”—brief, concrete, and direct. For example: “I hurt now. Talk soft.” Avoid metaphor or long, winding explanations when a straightforward sentence will do. Use steady pacing, allow pauses for processing, and express needs without relying on the five negatives: can’t, don’t, won’t, shouldn’t, and no.

When you shift from commanding or criticizing language to clear, positive requests, conversations move from reactive to collaborative.

When I worked as a lifeguard at a youth summer camp, yelling “Don’t run!” rarely worked. But when I started saying “Please walk,” or “I need you to walk,” campers responded far more cooperatively. That small shift in language softens communication, lowers tension, and opens space for genuine connection.

Finding the right tone and pacing is only part of the picture. The emotional energy we bring to a conversation also shapes how it’s received. That brings us to the fourth dynamic: Intensity.

Intensity: The Emotional Charge of ADHD Communication

Intensity is the energy you bring to a conversation. For many people with ADHD, emotional tone registers as pressure or threat more easily than intended. Raised voices, harsh language, or even quiet, tense silence can trigger withdrawal or a reactive counterattack.

Lowering intensity isn’t about avoiding important topics—it’s about creating safety. Start by leaning in with something positive before addressing the issue. Instead of “We need to talk,” try something like:

“Hey, I love your spontaneity—it keeps life interesting. I’m wondering if next time you could give me a little more notice before we head out, because when I feel prepared, I’m able to be more present with you.”

A gentle startup like that disarms the ADHD mind and invites collaboration instead of conflict.

Even when emotional tone feels balanced, the environment itself can still work against connection. Where and when a conversation happens can completely change how it’s experienced. That brings us to the fifth and final dynamic: Circumstance.

Circumstance: Environment, Timing, and Sensory Load

Circumstance covers where and when a conversation happens—and what’s happening around it. External factors like noise, hunger, fatigue, or competing tasks can easily overload an ADHD nervous system. Remember that park filled with laughter, dogs, basketball games and birthday parties from earlier? It’s a perfect example: too many sensory demands competing for attention.

Choose calmer moments and settings for hard conversations. Turn off the TV, silence notifications, and pick a time before hunger or exhaustion set in. Reduce simultaneous demands like childcare, pets, or chores so everyone can focus.

Creating structure doesn’t mean making communication rigid—it means building an environment that supports connection. Predictable timing and low-stimulation settings make ADHD communication more effective because they lower sensory and cognitive load. When the body feels safe, the mind can finally stay present enough to listen, reflect, and connect.

Bringing It All Together

ADHD communication isn’t a flaw to fix but a rhythm to understand. With awareness, pacing, and compassion, even the hardest conversations can become opportunities for connection. When we pay attention to these five dynamics—frequency, duration, style, intensity, and circumstance—we turn communication from a battlefield into a bridge.

I’ll be sharing more soon on practical tools and real-life scripts to help you apply these dynamics in everyday conversations. If this post resonated with you, subscribe and follow along on social media (FB, IG, YT and PIN) to stay connected and get notified when new resources drop.

Interested in more?

Reading about these tools is a great start, but putting them into practice often takes extra support. That’s where Clarity Coaching and therapy can help turn awareness into lasting change.

Whether you’re seeking coaching or therapy, small steps can lead to meaningful transformation. You can book a free 15-minute consultation through FlourishingOak.com/connect or find me on Psychology Today to learn more.

Note: Matt Johnson offers insight-based coaching through Flourishing Oak and is not currently practicing as a licensed therapist in this setting. His writing draws on lived experience and professional training to support personal and relational growth. Residents of California can connect with therapy services through Matt’s Psychology Today profile.